foxinsnow's Diaryland Diary

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God

I feel the need to defend the fact that I consider myself a Catholic. It's not because of anything anyone here has said... I always feel this need, actually, because I hang out almost exclusively with mostly-white, hip, intellectual, educated people who, while casually ignoring that they have come to be the way they are because bourgeos (sp?) capitalist snobbery, love to insult Christianity.

I'm not saying that Christianity-- Catholicism in particular-- doesn't have some very serious problems. I personally don't believe that all non-Christians are going to Hell... I've been told from both Christians and non-Christians that I'm not a "real" Catholic if I don't believe that. Clergy molesting young kids is, of course, abhorrent. The fact that women can't become priests, the fact that priests can't marry, the anti-gay and anti-abortion stances are unacceptable.

But a lot of Catholics agree with me, and... there's something intangible about the faith. It starts with Jesus' words, "Love thy neighbor as thyself" and "do unto others what you would have them do unto you." Those words make the Catholic church one of the leading voices in caring for the poor, the sick-- yes, even people with AIDS-- and the hungry, as well as (where I suppose I come in) the emotionally bankrupt.

I don't believe in a God with a long white beard sitting up on a cloud who casts judgment on everyone. But, there's something inside me that can look beyond whatever bad situation I'm in that gives me a sometimes fleeting sense of peace, a feeling that I will get through it. That, to me, is God. And, since I was raised a Catholic, I identify with Catholic symbolism, particularly that of Mary (whether black or white). I'm going to give a lot of my friends and colleagues the benefit of the doubt. I don't think they know that when they trash my religion, they trash my link to peace of mind. But I really, really resent it, nevertheless. I never tell any of my friends that they should go to church or believe in God... so why should they tell me what to believe?

The topic of an afterlife always comes up. As you know, I've thought about this a lot. I have to say that I firmly believe that Grandpa and Grandma Foerstner, Grandma, Grandpa, and Great-Grandma Caudy, Uncle Frank, Michael, K, J, and R are all kind of looking out for me and with me. Just because I believe it doesn't make it true. But, one way or another, we all find out in the end, don't we? So, quit your bitchin', because you don't know any better than I do! I'm living proof that science isn't always right... science thought I was schizophrenic one day and then changed it's mind and decided I was bipolar. (I think science got it right the second time.) But, as T.C. Boyle once said, "Science is voodoo." We think we know everything, but we don't. The heart knows things that the mind cannot fathom, and vice versa. Someday, I hope science and religion will learn to get along better. Here's another Jesus quote: "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and give to God what is God's." My drug-addled brain is a living testament to the fact that modern science can do wonderful things. But when I've taken all my medication, and I still feel empty inside, nothing makes me feel better than a trip to where we scattered Michael's ashes or even thinking about a favorite quote from a book or song. I'm rambling on here, because I opened a big can of worms and I can't tie this off in a neat, pretty package. I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are some things we haven't discovered yet. It's up to our imaginations to guess what those things are. If we're all just guessing and making shit up about the unknown, who are we to think our version of "what might be out there" is better or more true or more right than anybody else's guess?

I should really just stop listening to people who don't agree with me.

11:43 p.m. - 2005-04-30

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