foxinsnow's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- depressed post Okay, i am ready now. Ready to spill. Sometimes I'm so mad I'm not the one who's getting married, so mad I'm not the one who's living in New York and making it as a photographer, so mad I'm not the movie star who's married to someone like Chris Robinson. (even though he's lame). So mad I have my life and not someone else's. anyone else's. so mad I'm not in some psyche ward somewhere so I'd have no responsibilities. anyone else's life would do. sometimes I'm so mad I'm not dead. Okay, reality check: the only thing that bothers me about my life is that I weigh 20 lbs more than I want to and that I live with my parents. I try my best-- and usually succeed-- to be a good student in my MFA program at one of the best photo depts. in the country, I've had my writing published in a major literary magazine, I'm attractive, smart, and talented. I just need someone to listen to me. I talked to Aaron tonight. He's scaring me. He jumped down my throat for having a wet dream about Mick Jagger. Seriously. He used to jump down my throat about predictable things, like religion, then politics, but I always had a sense of what not to say to him to set him off, and something as innocent as a wet dream about a rock star? He needs to do something with his life. He's looking into grad school, he's majorly cut down on the weed, and he's trying to find a shrink... I'm worried about him. I want him to be happy, and he's not. He's also looking into teaching jobs. Maybe I'm taking it too seriously, but is he going to turn into one of the friends I have to walk on eggshells around or else he'll freak out at me? i don't want that to happen with him. He has a good point that I'm too fixated on celebrities... hmm, maybe I DON'T think he has a good point about that. for example, I've never been to a Rolling Stones or Mick Jagger web site or concert, and I rarely listen to their music. I have no pictures of them/him in my room. Most of my other friends find my crushes on people like Mick Jagger and John Lennon and my fascination with people like Angelina Jolie and Kate Hudson funny, maybe sometimes mildly annoying... but everyone, including me, knows that at the end of the day they're not all that important to me, you know? I pointed out to Aaron that i don't seek out rock star heart throb types to date in real life. I hate that he made me feel that way. This is Aaron. I trust him. When he said that, it made me feel the way Tera used to. I'm trying not to read into it or over-emphasize it, but it's how I feel. Life is so hard. I don't blame people for killing themselves, even though I've never tried it. I always joke that I smoke because I'm too chicken to commit suicide, but sometimes even I wonder if it's really a joke. 8:56 p.m. - 2005-04-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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