foxinsnow's Diaryland Diary
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the end of my rope
yeah, so that's me. a lot of people on myspace have asked why I never smile in my pictures. so now, I'm smiling.
I've been up all night having a low-key kind of "I've reached the end of my rope." It's not so intense that I need some huge kind of psychiatric overhaul, or that I'm not going to go to class tomorrow... I've just been taking stock of my life and have been finding I don't like where I'm at. I'm mainly pretty lonely. That's been hard to detect because i do really enjoy being alone... I don't mean single, although I do enjoy that... I mean I really like going places alone. I eat out alone all the time. And I bought a single ticket to go see Tori Amos on my birthday, without even asking Siren if she'd like to go, because I really wanted to go alone... Tiny from RISD went to see Tori's 1998 show in Providence, RI alone when we were at RISD, and she said it was amazing. But there are so many times recently when I really need someone to talk to, and none of my friends are answering their phones and my mom's busy writing her book or whatever. Some people... like Siren and Aaron, who, by the way, I count among my closest friends... I don't even bother with anymore, because they never answer their phones, Siren being busy with being in love and planning the wedding and everything. All this time being alone and not really liking it has made me really understand why people want to be part of a couple... you have this one person who is always there for just you no matter what, and you are the same to them. But I'm done looking for a man. Maybe this is foolish, but I believe that if there is someone out there for me I will meet him no matter what, and if online dating makes me uncomfortable I probably won't meet him that way. I think I'm harboring my loneliness pretty well... I mean, it's not like world hunger will disappear when I find a boyfriend. First of all, I got burned so bad with all the bad relationships I got into last year, and then there was that incident this year with Gallo... maybe that's how I've reached the end of my rope. I'm lonely, and yet I've reached the end of my rope with dating. That's a hard place to find yourself in.
4:50 a.m. - 2005-04-02
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------