foxinsnow's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the way things are I can't read tonight. Well, that's kind of a lie... I just can't seem to find the right thing to read. I was reading Wicked-- I read several pages, in fact, but then I guess I wanted to read nonfiction so I unearthed I Never Called it Rape from my closet. That sort of wasn't the right thing either. I can't get to sleep-- I even took three tranquilizers. During the happiest year and a half of my adult life-- 2000- first part of 2001-- when I was studying at the School of the Art Institute and before Michael had died, I would spend my nights online chain-smoking and listening to music, so that's what I'm doing now. I'm listening to the Cranes. They say one shouldn't live in the past, but it's hard not to when you have memories of better times and your present situation only promises to lead to more of what's making you discontent right now. I miss Michael, J, and K. I'm not even surprised the weather's getting cold again because I spent all of last spring and summer frozen into the past February, when K killed himself. I think about him, about his death, so much. What it must be like to plan your own death, look forward to it, and execute it. I can't relate. The only thing such thinking reminds me of is really looking forward to getting off work when you only have boredom to look forward to after work. I want to keep writing because it passes the time. But I guess I have nothing more to say. 12:18 a.m. - 2004-10-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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