foxinsnow's Diaryland Diary

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the scream inside me

When the tranquilizers kick in, the world flits past my eyes like images in a movie. My head becomes a dark tunnel with a waterfall at the back of it. Water streams down my spine. I love this feeling… of being loose, high, low, dull, but knowing it won’t last forever. I am drugged. Drugged to my feelings of empathy and pain for him… I hurt him, yes, I hurt him. Is this how he feels? All the time? In some sort of stupor? I love him, yes… for no reason at all, the sex nullified me, made me real… that was what I loved. He was in control then, he was a powerful man… and I loved being dominated. And now all I have left is a copy of a letter I sent him that ended everything, that crushed him to his core… but he’s so insulated, I can’t imagine anything penetrating that head of his, she said hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is… is he really a weak man, a child? I can’t fathom it now I lose my words, and time, my fingers go numb, somewhere there is a scream in me a scream that would crush the walls of my head leaving water everywhere and would blow out the windows…to my soul… a scream that I must scream before I die or it will shrivel me blue like a cancer a scream that might kill me or anyone else around and the night will disintegrate into thin air and the day will press in, in, in like him inside me oh the beautiful pain will annihilate me with brightness blindness till all goes black and my night vision that paints everything grey will kick in once more

2:37 a.m. - 2004-01-13

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