foxinsnow's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- December 29, 2003 Okay, so I am going to start my new life as a WRITER. Sitting here at the keyboard, typing, and thinking, "This is my medium..."-- it's exciting. I'm going to start here first, and with my paper on Yoko Ono-- just thinking, "I am writing this as a writer, not as some photo student who the teacher is going to expect doesn't know how to write." And here, I'm going to try to post less private entries (save those for my actual green leather-bound journal that I got for Christmas) and if I decide something's good enough to post and it hurts someone's feelings, well, so be it. I've got nothing to hide. I mean, legally, of course, I can't post people's full name's anyway, but to take extra precautions, I'm never going to post someone's real first name again, even if they tell me at the time that it's okay. As long as I'm taking those precautions to protect myself, why bother being nice? Which is what I'm really sick of. Being nice. So nice I put myself second. You don't have to be some raving bitch to be more assertive than I am. I have let people walk all over me to avoid conflict. And I'm sick of it. This year, I've done a lot of avoiding people who make me mad or make me feel like shit, and I've hurt some people but I'm a lot happier. If any of my friends are reading this: you can rest assured, if I'm contacting you, it means I give a fuck. For better or for worse. I know it's really frustrating when someone just drops out your life without telling you why, and that's what I do to a lot of people I don't like being around. If you bother to fight with someone, it means you still care. I used to send people letters about why i didn't want to be friends with them anymore. i did that to someone recently, actually... but it was such an emotional situation, I had to. But each one of those letters, I secretly hoped the person would say, "Wait, Elizabeth, I'll change for you." But of course that never happens. It seems to me the only person who changes for other people is me, and I have to stop that. Someone recently told me he was going through a "selfish phase." I know what he meant, and the relevance here is that I need to go through one, but all I could think of was that Kirstie Alley's married boyfriend pulled that line on her in "Look Who's Talking." But, it occurs to me that to ME, all this trying to be more assertive is my form of a selfish phase. Maybe the people who are best off are selfish to begin with. They don't need to put their loved ones through the agony of going though a "selfish phase." Or maybe it's just a bull shit phrase that doesn't mean anything and I should stop talking about it. So, I am trying to be an assertive writer. Or assertive and a writer. Not in that order. Wish me luck. Peace, Elizabeth 9:05 p.m. - 2003-12-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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